Firstly, this post may be a little NSFP (Not Safe For Parents – read at your peril), and content warning: Rape.
I’m going to start this with the worst sex analogy in the history of sex analogies.
“A key that can open many locks is called a master key, but a lock that can be opened by many keys is a shitty lock.”
I know this is an old conversation that we’ve all had before. Double-standards when it comes to sex, and especially casual sex is completely biased towards men and negative for women. Duh. Everyone talks about it, even Christina Aguilera and Lil Kim sung about it 12 whole years ago.
“Here’s something I just can’t understand
If a guy have three girls then he’s the man
He can even give us some head and sex her raw
If the girl do the same, then she’s a whore
But the table’s about to turn
I’ll bet my fame on it
Cats take my ideas and put their name on it
It’s aight though, you can’t hold me down
I got to keep on moving”
Ahh… I’m sorry Lil Kim. Nothing’s changed in over a decade. Sad face.
No matter how much we talk about the double-standard, it’s still a pretty common part of our language to label girls as sluts and guys as heroes for doing the same thing. As a girl who’s pretty comfortable with the idea that women and men BOTH enjoy having sex and who practices this idea (as I’m sure most of us do), I’ve definitely encountered a lot of this labelling.
There’s the conversation that most women in my shoes have encountered – the numbers game. I’ve had this conversation more than once, and I know many of my friends who have told me that same thing. Where you’re with a guy, and for some reason you think it’s important to compare “your number” (of sex partners). The guy tells you a pretty high number, you reply with one that is considerably less and their face drops.
“That’s…. quite a lot…”
“It’s half as much as you…”
“Yea but… It’s different isn’t it.”
As the number of sexual partners goes up, a guy’s stock goes up, but a girl’s drops exponentially. For doing the exact. Same. Thing. It’s science. Ugh.
I think I’ve figured it out, and I think it’s a little sick the way we view sex. Hear me out.
It goes back to the master key/lock shitalogy.
The general consensus is that guys actively and aggressively seek out sex. I mean, they’re crazed animals with hormones coming out of every orifice. Girls don’t want sex. We’re pure and angelic and are waiting for The One to sweep us off our feet, then wife and impregnate us.
So when a guy pursues a girl for some sexy time, it’s the pure angel’s job to say no to his dirty animalistic urges. If he ain’t gonna wife her, he ain’t gonna bone her.
They have a back and forth and lo and behold! She doesn’t say no! They do the dirty, he leaves her on the footpath with her broken wings beside her and goes to the rugby club to high five the lads.
He has won. He wanted sex, he got sex. She lost. She wanted a husband, she was ruined and left impure.
This sounds like a totally over-the-top way of putting it, but if you really think about it, it’s generally the way we seem to look at sex as a society. Guys have sex but girls have sex done to them.
Interestingly, there seems to be less stigma about lesbians sleeping around, so it’s more a hetero female issue (from what I understand) and is often dressed up as “she’s self-destructive” or “she has no self-respect” because she obviously has to have issues to enjoy sex. And these same issues don’t apply to men, cos ya know, penises.
My ex-boyfriend (the dream that he was) made it quite clear his feelings about me having had sex with anyone before him. Firstly, his number was actually quite high (fine with me – more experienced), and mine must have been about half his (Totally. Not. Ok). He was mostly worried about the fact that I had “let” that many guys have sex with me. When I explained to him that I hadn’t “let” anyone have sex with me, I had chosen to do it each time, it blew his mind. This girl has sex drive? Is that a thing? So I asked him if that’s how he felt about all of the girls that he had slept with, and he generally seemed to think he had broken them down with his charm. (He also told me regularly that in a perfect world he would have had the same amount of sexual partners, but I would be a virgin. Ladies, PM me if you want his number. Dude’s a keeper)
How FUCKED UP is this?! This means that in his mind, all of the girls that he had had sex with didn’t actively WANT to have sex with him, he won them over and they LET him have sex with them.
Let that sink in.
He thinks that the way sex works is that guys do stuff to girls that don’t really want it.
You know that’s rape right?
IF a guy’s goal is to have sex, and IF they have the understanding that women have sex done to them, what’s to say this guy cares about or understands consent? If a girl lets a guy do it, she let him do it, full stop. Does it matter how or why they got there? Cos that’s what sex is right?
Do you understand how disturbing it is to be a girl in a world where everyone thinks that guys are the sexual ones and girls let them have sex with them if they’re lucky (we even call it “getting lucky”). We are literally living in a world that thinks that sex is in essence what rape is.
I’m definitely not saying everyone’s going around raping everyone. I’m saying that the belief is different than the reality, that woman WANT to have sex as much as men do and we have to accept that. There are literally millions of women all over the world having all different types of sex for fun right now because they want to. If girls had no sex drive, how are there lesbians? Lesbians have awesome male-less sex and are living proof that girls like a good roll in the hay as much as the next dude.
The point is the way that we perceive it is seriously dangerous. When I was raped, the guys told the police as their defense that they thought I slept around. The police then came to me and asked me how many guys I had slept with in that workplace and I told them the truth. One. They were really confused. “Oh really? That’s surprising, just because the guys made it out that you were a massive whore and so it wasn’t rape.” (I’m paraphrasing, the police were actually quite nice except for thinking they needed to ask me dumb questions like that). So yea, I literally know from experience that even the perception that you are a slut can get you raped. As if having sex with other people automatically means you’re open for business and good to go with whoever, whenever. It’s a scary and dangerous mindset.
I think it’s time for everyone to really pick apart how they view sex. If you think that women are passive participants, I really urge you to think about why you believe that, and the implications of those beliefs. Every time you have sex, everyone involved should be actively, enthusiastically keen to do it, and not incapacitated and unable to consent. It’s dead simple (read this blog if you’ve never seen the consent/tea analogy – everyone should see it).
Men (who like women) – If every time you have sex you make sure that the woman involved is actively and enthusiastically sexing you, you can realise that she’s not a shitty lock, and your key is definitely not the master, you’re just 2 people having a good old fashioned romp. High-five her and give her a good time.
Everyone – Let women fuck in peace without your ridiculous judgements and double-standards. They are stupid and wrong.